The Foss n Lya show

Advice

2007-05-23T15:44:00.000+01:00

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always
circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the
first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The
morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by
running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours,and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems
anyway,so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with
whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging
your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid
for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the
other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

(From one of them forwarded-a-thousand-times-and-seen-it-before emails)

Haiku

2007-04-05T11:04:00.000+01:00

Oslo has a park,
It has naked statues in.
Crazy Norwegians!

Happy Grease-cow

2007-04-04T23:56:00.000+01:00

He had built a tower entirely of cheese

it was now blocking - quite neatly so -

the entire view from the geese

and everyone wading around in the butter

slippers in hand, and mouths full of mutter

had to eat lunch in the shade

if only fat didn't stain the suede

Happy-go-lucky.

Where?

2007-04-04T12:55:00.001+01:00

Where's my motherfucking parsley gone? I can't find my motherfucking parsley.

I found this saved as a draft

2007-02-05T15:02:00.000Z

lol!

Erroneous

2007-01-12T16:44:00.000Z

Larry could do nothing, as Matron had hidden all the teaspoons.

"Where the FUCK are we now?!" belched Kevin, with a beady look in his eye. The kind of look you only ever see when a cadre of emperor penguins are attacking your bivouac. "And why the FUCK are your hands that shape?!"

Macy couldn't reply. Her lips had fallen off half an hour ago, and the children were pulling at her tongue.

"I fucking knew you'd be like this!" He continued. "Ever since Matron stole those pasties, you've been a fucking wreck!"

The van pirhouetted out of control into a nearby kiosk. Newspapers and magazines hurtled through the windscreen like machine gun fire through the French.

Larry knew it was going to be a bad, bad day.

Boffins to get striptease from Queen

2006-10-24T09:59:00.000+01:00

Achievements of UK scientists are to be celebrated with an exhibition at Buckingham Palace, as reported by the BBC. The exhibition will pit 100 scientists against 800 students in a chainsaw jellyfish cage match to the death. Gambling has been legalised for the event, which will take place in the eastern wing of the palace, known as "the terror wing".

Other festivities will include the unveiling of a live pterosaur (recreated from DNA found in a time capsule left behind by the dinosaurs), a celebration of woodlouse engineering, the decomissioning of Britain's famous dog canopy, and as a grande finale the Queen's royal guards will perform Swan Lake, before killing each other to death.

Police chief explosion terror

2006-09-25T21:43:00.000+01:00

The chief of police in Batabatabooberg exploded yesterday, in protest of wage cuts among the force. The lower salaries have been suggested to help save money to help buy new four-wheeled cars, but have been faced with disdain by members of the force.

In an interview yesterday, Maggatha, the widow of Chief Runningbull, said "I can't believe the fat bastard just exploded! I mean, I know he was pissed at the lower pay, but COME ON! Exploding? That's just fucked up!"

His children are said to be nonchalant.

Afflicted!

2006-09-23T22:27:00.000+01:00

It seems, this night, there's something there
A joy, excitement in the air
That orange glow we talk about
When all the old people are out
And all the kids have gone to bed
and they all sleep so heavy

The streetlights flicker aimlessly
Like something out of Half Life 3
The flashing, the incessant strobe
The headbrain receiving a probe
And see you, spaccermong on ground
And chucking out an Eppy

We stand in circle, all around
And point and laugh at you on ground
The medication, pocket-gone
Call ambulance on telefon
Hey cunts, this guy is monging out
So get here fucking quickly!

SIngle and dorbsh

2006-09-23T21:48:00.000+01:00

Slngle has his hair up in the wrong angle
at which Dorbsh's ponytail has started to dangle
their arms so hairy, they've started to tangle
together they were always busy with wrangle
their blood always covering the bar like spangle

Slngles condition was said to be sickness
as Dorbsh's they said was general thickness
of course neither were famous for quickness
their twatty ways always seem to be endless
also, their outfits were said to be extremely trendless

Slngle walked as in pain, his kneecaps were flinching
Dorbsh fat was so heavy his armpits would pinch him
he was always a bit angered because of all this pinching
together they'd move at a slow pace, just simply inching
to see tonight show and all the massive lynching

Slngle is tired and want the poem to be done
Dorbsh has yet to realise it has even begun
I'm sure if he knew, he'd agree it's been fun
and that Robbie Williams officially sings like a nun
I'm sorry to say but it's now time to run

Slngle is going to detract for flight
Dorbsh is going to turn off the light
they are ready to yawn and sneeze with delight
as everything slowly drifts out of sight
So sleep well you two, and I'll say goodnight.

Sportsweather

2006-09-23T21:19:00.000+01:00

Drown your sorrows in sunscreen honey, cycling in the snow is going to be tough on your skin!

In studio today we have Lancie N. Mingle from O-zo-hot Make-Up Inc. to give you the best tip about sun and skin-care that you should have known already. The past week has been extremely sunny.

Yeah, it's important to avoid the most gay brands. Try to stick to products that are not wrapped in pink or has bows stuck on them, that will make you avoid the most scented ones.
If you can't afford good skin-care products or professional peeling (either chemical or with herbs) try using this facemask:
Mash one giant avocado in your face and spray with valium.
Your night out is secured.

Thank you Lancie N. Mingle. See you next week, or something.

AAAARGH YOUR BRAIN
*KRRRZZT* Coming out of your NOSE! *Frrrzzt* *pssh* *krrzt* *zip*
*schiiiiii*
*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Pyjama shortage

2006-09-23T21:00:00.000+01:00

Pyjama wearers across the globe were shocked today, as nightwear manufacturers declared an international state of pyjamamergency. Fibres from the anus of the Silkshitting caterpillar have dried up, leaving factories clothless, and child labourers unemployed.

Emergency substitute banana fibres are being flown in from Panama, but if you don't like yellow jim-jams, you're fucked.

Over to Tora for the sportsweather. You slack-jawed yokel!

Day four

2006-09-09T18:40:00.000+01:00

As Sandy has failed to talk Dingdong, Tombinson and Jamontigo into having a raging sex-orgie, she has retreated to the back of the Camping wagon, squeezed into the minuscule sleeping post to feel sorry for herself.

Dingdong was banging Tombinsons head into the ice, using his teeth to crack the thick ice flake they're living on earlier. After a few hours of hard work, there was barely much left of Tombinsons face, a bloodred gap was though, gaping trimumphantly in the ice.
Dingdong and Jamontigo created a fishing pole out of Sandys stilettoes and grilled themselves some colourful jellyfish that they caught.

Tombinson tried playing his mouth-harp, but couldn't, because his lips were so beefcaked and swollen he couldn't even talk. He decided to lie down on his back, his entire face covered with his homemade herb-salves and two giant raw seal steaks resting on his purple eyes.

Sandy has still not eaten since she got turned down.

Day three

2006-09-02T14:13:00.000+01:00

Jamontigo is asleep. While Dingdong and Sandy paint his feet silver, they talking about their relationships.

Dingdong: I hate men.
Sandy: Frrrcrunasj Baffaprom (translation: Men are bastards).
Dingdong: They are.
Sandy: Goomprap (translation: I hate them).
Dingdong: Ever thought of becoming a lesbian?
Sandy: No (translation: No).
Dingdong: Ok.

Tombinson is slowly recovering from the salmon poisoning, and has begun to dance.

Day Two

2006-09-01T20:29:00.000+01:00

(Commentary)
As Sandy hopelessly tried to explain to Ding-Dong, they are in need for water in the swimming pool to proceed their exciting game of water polo.
To speed up the action a bit, seahorses were sent to the set to make water polo a proper mix of actual polo as well as waterpolo.

Tombinson is struck with fever after eating salmon and is somewhere between life and death. Since nobody in the campingwagon at the time knows first aid, his chances are pretty slim. Jamontigo has repeatadly tried to cool him down by bringing in huge flakes of the iceberg, so far showing no results but melting jellyfish to rape Jamontigos eyes.

Sandy and Ding-dong emptied a bag of Nesquik into their empty puddle and sat chewing icecubes and spitting them into the pool to get enough liquid in to it. The bottom of the puddle is now covered in some brown gooey slime that the seahorses are splashing around in.

Day one

2006-09-01T10:08:00.000+01:00

(Commentary)
Jamontigo is making a salmon breakfast for him and Tombinson. Tombinson is allergic to Salmon, and they're both treating this as an experiment. Jamontigo is hoping Tom will die, and he'll get to keep Tom's stuff. The producers aren't so sure about letting Tom perish, but they'll go along with it for the ratings boost.

Dingdong and Sandy are outside in the pool, playing water polo. They have yet to fill the pool with water, but that hasn't phased either of them yet.

One of the producers has thrown a chicken into boy's the bedroom. It's clucking and throwing it's own feathers everywhere.

The police said it was illegal for us to put cameras in the bathrooms, but we did it anyway.

Ice-wagon!

2006-08-31T16:55:00.000+01:00

Welcome to the world first show of "Ice-wagon" the wildly discussed reality show to be shown on Channel FOSS n LYA this autumn! 5 competators are locked inside a camping-wagon on an ice-berg for TWO MONTHS. Witness the drama online on http://www.fossnlya.blogspot.com or right here LIVE only on Channel FOSS n LYA!
Now:

Meet the Contestants!

# 1
Name: Jamontigo Dales
Age: 53
Favourite band: The Blow Monkeys
Short description: Jamontigo is also known as "Jam" and claims he has many abilities worth having in a locked camping wagon, such as the ability of picklocking with his tongue and breathing fire when sneezing.

# 2
Name: Sandy Wi Ong Wang K. Pling
Age: 22
Favourite band: The 5,6,7,8's
Short description: Sandy speaks the shocking amount of TWO languages, of them German (we think) and something very similar to the Rolling Stones first record BACKWARDS.

# 3
Name: Tombinson Crusoe
Age: 42
Favourite band: sound of the ranforest, music is not his thing.
Short description: Known for surviving 54 minutes on a far-off island without internet connection. He has a strong will and ability to survive.

# 4
Name: Ding-dong-Dinkey
Age: 35
Favourite band: Snow Patrol
Short description: This woman is patience incarnated and is willing to spend 2 months of her life on this reality show with pleasure.

# 5
Name: Andrew
Age: 27
Favourite band: Too many to list them!
Short description: Apparently too awezome to even attend, so he just left before we could get anything out of him.

Anyway, Don't MISS!

Alternative power

2006-08-31T09:02:00.000+01:00

The UK is set to unveil new power consumption laws today, amidst confusion and dismay from regular electricity users. From midnight tonight, British residents will have to cut their consumption down to 3 square feet of electricity per hour. The tighter laws were put in place in an effort to create a greener, more power-efficient Britain. However, residents of London claim that, because they live in the city, it's unfair to give them the same stringent rules as the rest of the country.

We spoke to Janice Facestabber, local council member for Hackney Cockney district, but we couldn't understand what she was saying. Maybe you can make sense of it.

"It's bladdy orful! There I woz, appews n pares, cor blimey ol guvna, plates a meet!"

She then went on to break the new laws, by getting electricuted in the head by us.

Fashion

2006-08-23T20:45:00.000+01:00

Yes! Naked People with Long Flaring Hair is the Newest Thing in.

Also, Being Uncertain, of When. To Use Capital letters, commas. And Full) Stops While being) Very . Slightyl RetArded When it Comes To puttinG Together Words that . Don't ., Really/ fit TogetHer into SentenCessssssss

At all.

Like:
Don't come here! Quickly!
or
Stand Back! Yay!

Jeremy don't take no shit from rabbits

2006-08-23T20:23:00.000+01:00

Jeremy Whorelips, a journalist from Radadadadadadensbørg, was commissioned by us to report on the growin population of exploding yogurt rabbits in the Swedish capital of Swedenstøn. His report would have been shown now, but he was killed in an uncontrolled hare explosion at his hotel. In place of the report, here is the word "sausage", for your enjoyment.

Sausage

Over to you, Lya?

Foss n Lya apologize while we are

2006-08-21T18:11:00.000+01:00

suffering from techical difficulties
shagging under the table

you choose.

No sushi please

2006-08-21T17:51:00.000+01:00

I love you

Foss-Lotto

2006-08-19T19:14:00.000+01:00

Good evening and welcome to Foss-Lotto.

Last weeks winner Mr. Bredshaw Bredfull Brimhat. that managed to win the entire jackpot of last saturday is receiving our congratulations tonight for being the all-time most winning player in Foss-Lotto.

Resuming to the random picking of numbers!

Hold your glasses tight and whiten your knuckles:

Yellow-45
Giraffe-X7
Cup-67
limbo-31

Now to the symbolic pushing of a nun through a fish-tank made of cardboard!

*RrrrrrrriShT*

*applause*

Hi there! I'm calling from Foss-Lotto, am I talking to Mr. Bredshaw Bredfull Brimhat?
- erhm. Yes.
Congratulations again! You have won tonights round of Foss-Lotto.
- There seem to be some kind of misunderstanding, you see - I've never played this game...
hehe, you are a funny sir. Thanks for playing! Your prize of 900 000 potty-trained roaches will be mailed to you!

Thank you everyone and see you next week, here on Channel FOSS N LYA.

New soap

2006-08-18T19:23:00.000+01:00

There'll be a new soap on Channel FOSSNLYA tonight, starting right after this news story which is happening now and the new show will be after this broadcast right here. Set in a 1980s private school, Coxon Parade is a whimsical yet dramatic story about a 1980s private school called Coxon Parade. The name was stolen from a real street which was mentioned in the b3ta newsletter. It's coming up soon, after this story which is ending about now.

Inside story

2006-08-18T17:52:00.000+01:00

the ceiling of 87 ribcases have been restored with nail polish through economical support from the "We Clean Your Ribcase for Fun Society", the WCYRFS.

They did fundraising through the very discussed Fuck for Forest in London last year and has eventually achieved their 87 ribcases fully restored.

"I was hoping for something a bit more baroque" says Tina Tumbleweed from Brixtonstonstonston in the UK, one of the people that wanted her ribcase to be restored. "I appreciate the thought though, it has changed my ribcase amazingly" she finishes and walks off to join the other 86 ribcases for drinks.

Tina Tumbleweeds ribcase ended up like THIS on the inside:

Also, another shitty day for Flank-head United, that during their football practice accidentally got catapulted directly to Mars

again.

Our hopes are with Flank-head United as we move on with the show!
Over to you Foss.

False cheeses

2006-08-18T17:37:00.000+01:00

It has come to our attention that remote parts of Europe are creating counterfeit cheese. The faux dairy product, known on the streets as "brown cheese", "darkdairy" or simply "quack", has been known to sell for in excess of twice the price of the normal, industry standard yellow cheese.

Providing the user, or "cheese gobbletarian", with a much faster cheese-hit than regular cheese, it's easy to see why back-street dairies and illegal fromageries are pushing this evil shite. However, they don't realise the addictive qualities of brown cheese. Hardcore gobbletarians can often be found outside the shops, early in the morning, waiting for them to open in order to get that next fromage-fix.

Police are to launch "operation cow-nuke" later this week, to stop all cheese at it's source.

Further adventures of Box Lad

2006-08-18T16:53:00.000+01:00

More recent reports claim that Box Lad is now in more danger than earlier.
Excess amounts of CO2 and other dangerous toxins are now making an even greater impact on the worlds environment. Box Lad is now in grave danger of atomic winter, six-legged children, AIDS, bird-flu, greenhouse-effect, allergies, eppschtein barr/mononucleosis, hippotamemusis, cellulites and Jamie Oliver Syndrome.

There are slim chances of actually getting the Jamie Oliver Syndrome that has some of the same symptoms as the Tourettes syndrome = sudden outbursts of random words, in case of the JO- syndrome, these words are mostly "flesh helbs" and manic waving with limbs.

Along with the bottom and upper lip increasing in size (equal effects can be achieved by sucking on a vacuum-cleaner for three hours or making out with someone who is in fact not trying to kiss you, but to eat your face. At least it seems like they're trying to eat your face. because it leaves your face all soaked. You will find that there are many of these people out there. Well, anyway). Other symptoms are Moped-disorder, this will make it impossible for you (if you ride a moped) to drive through areas that do not have food markets or other urban young town facilities. It will also make your eyes become tiny slits when you smile.

More about JO-disease and the health of Box Lad, right after THIS.

Box lad

2006-08-18T16:37:00.000+01:00

Box lad lives on a box. If he falls off, he might get hurt. The council are doing nothing about it. Is this right or wrong?

WANTED

2006-08-17T13:35:00.000+01:00

CAN BE ARMED and DANGEROUS.
The police is publishing photos to seize the criminal, that after being inprisioned wearing nothing but shoes and a Marlene Birger designer dress, attacked an older person at 13th and Faker st.
The criminal then escaped from captivity and is now at an unknown location.
The Foss n' Lya Show encourages everyone with any kind information about easter-eggs to call THIS hotline immediatly:
+47 810 00 410

The Apperance of the criminal is here caught on photo:

Thank you.

INTERRUPTION!

2006-08-16T22:07:00.000+01:00

We interrupt this shit to bring you some BREAKING NEWS! It would appear that our beloved co-host, Lya, has been kidnapped. We're not sure who the evil-doers are, but I have a mental image of some bandana-wearing iguanas carting her off in the back of a VW Beetle. Rest assured, dear viewers, that I will do everything in my power to get her back. We will not respond to the lizard's outrageous demands. We will retrieve her from the nefarious clutches of these reptilian bastards, and they will be bought to justice. I'll find their leader, Nor'kek, and punch his fucking eyes off. I have been in contact with the police, the national guard and the UN, and they've promised (and been bribed) to locate every VW beetle in Europe and kill the driver.

Lya, we know you're out there. Don't worry, we're coming for you. Team Foss will recover the world's second favourite reporter, and bring her back safely.

Debat3r

2006-08-15T14:25:00.000+01:00

Meet our third debater. He's a keen pirate and sails the seven seas at least twice a month. He studied plants at columbia university and has been drunk since the age of seven. Ladies and gentlemen, Shanty Jones!

Please don't take the piss out of his stubby limbs. a) he doesn't like it, and b) he has a cutlass hidden on his person.

Debater number two

2006-08-15T09:21:00.000+01:00

So, Tina. What are we debating today?
- I was thinking liposuction, or perhaps Barbie dolls.
Now that sounds incredibly uninteresting, so let ME pick a topic for you two to discuss, alright?
- ehm, okay.
Shoes!
- yes I love shoes!
You do?
- Yes!
Alright, then I want you to discuss polish trainstations, the density of trash cans downtown and how this influences the famine in Niger instead.
- Alright!
Now let me please shave your back before you strangle another one of our viewers, and really, I flossed this morning, no need to rub your shoulders against me.

We will be right back!

Debater number one

2006-08-14T22:17:00.000+01:00

First up in our debate is Skabrio DePloopz. He's a Frentugese teenager, currently studying Mediassics at Montreallover College, Bergtonville. He enjoys cooking, football, cooking footballs and mice.

Honeycakes, introduce the second member of the debate team or I'll break your ankles.

Debate Corner

2006-08-14T22:00:00.000+01:00

alright titsy.

Sorry it took a while but I just discovered my blue shoes weren't on well enough. Yes, that's right, I'm wearing blue shoes - it's debate corner time!

And that's all for now! Thank you!

Now over to Foss, in Studio.

Vache!

2006-08-14T21:57:00.001+01:00

Thank you, treaclesnatch.

It has been discovered that the French word for cow - Vache - is entirely wrong. French ministers have been informed of the mistake, and will withdraw the word at the end of the week. It's replacement will be spherical, and harder than that it's predecessor. There is currently no known pronounciation.

Jugsy, it's over to you.

Lya's Cooking Corner

2006-08-14T21:49:00.000+01:00

Hello you!
Welcome to the first ever "Lya's Cooking Corner". Today we are making a gingerbread vikingship!

Merry Christmas! God Jul!
I'd like to introduce to you, last years gingerbread project. "The Amazing Vikingship" an extreme culinary experience, you've never seen or tasted anything like it.

Start off with a decent portion of gingerbread dough at early morning. So, first have a look at when I was creating this recipe.
Shit, attempt number one, I discover that I had to adjust the temperature since the dough is basically sugar and melts therefore in the oven and looses it's shape :/

Attempt number two was... burned.... *bang-head-in-gingerbread-dough* d'oh! Attempt number three, day seven :D (that's attempt number three in total, not the third attempt the seventh day, I only tried three times, and the last time was simply perfect).

And voilá! isn't that simply breathtaking? Notice the wonderful details, the dragonhead in front is an excact duplicate of the one from the Oseberg vikingship. The whole thing is edible, except the tray and the beautiful glad-pack waves. Merry Christmas you freak, merry christmas.

Now didn't you enjoy a bit of christmas in the middle of August?
Well then SHIT the HELL off.

And NOW! - Foss, baby, your turn.

Back to the show

2006-08-14T21:39:00.000+01:00

Police in England and Norway are on the lookout for signs of a new FAD that's sweeping through literally TWOs of computers. I'm talking, of course, about "postwhoring".

Now, postwhoring is nothing new, it's been around since the stone age and while usually harmless, this new breed of postwhoring is potentially lethal. It is theorised that a freckled postwhore could take out a hundred cities in a few minutes, if the link were to be passed around by internet carrier pigeons.

An antidote exists, but the only people that have access to it are the two main postwhores themselves. You're all fucked.

Hotline

2006-08-14T21:28:00.000+01:00

Do you get hungry in the mornings?

2006-08-14T21:24:00.000+01:00

Devil Llama

2006-08-14T21:13:00.000+01:00

2006-08-14T20:50:00.000+01:00

The Foss n' Lya Show Warns you

2006-08-14T20:30:00.000+01:00

Thanks Foss!

The Foss and Lya Show warns you to not stick a fork in a dog.

You might stick it so deep, you wont be able to get it out again.

Besides, the dog can feel a bit violated.

And now, our sponsors!

ROBOTS ARE FUCKING INVADING!!!

2006-08-14T20:14:00.000+01:00

Robots are invading.

Many children shit their pants. One died right there.

The end.

Lya?

Here at the Foss n Lya show

2006-08-14T19:44:00.000+01:00

we're going to have a little dance-off, presenting to you, our very own, the very very known, Tom!

Thank you Tom.

I think we all enjoyed that very much.

Now a poem about a cat, written by 9 year old Rupert L. Samuel from East Frofrodleton:
I had a cat, and Flippy was his name
We used to do this thing, we used to play this game
Flippy was always hungry, hunger just for fame
He behaved quite wild, but really he was tame.

Though one day, Flippy went away and killed my fucking dad
and I took him by the collar, shook him, told him: "Flippy -bad!"
But Flippy wouldn't listen, even though it made me sad
he went on killed another one, he smiled and he was glad.

I couldn't get rid of Flippy, though I tried really really hard
I tried to club him with a stick in my grandpa's backyard
but it didn't help, he didn't die, he seemed okay, except that he was scarred
so I boiled him dead in a cauldron filled with chewing-gum and lard.

- I need to go change shoes. Be right back. And now, to YOU, Foss.

Thanks

2006-08-14T19:33:00.000+01:00

Didn't I tell you to ask him the question about why they keep sniffing other dogs at the back end?

It's been revealed that a large number of flaps have been spilled onto the A97623 between Nuneaton and Sydney. Fire crews have been called in to clean up the mess, but don't expect the road to be open for another 17 days.

The flaps were being transported to Nuneaton on the back of a thousand sheep, but became unstable when the road became slightly bumpy. Head Shepherd Tom Cruise said "I was sure I had their hooves checked for unevenness, but you know how it is. You miss one sheep and it tumbles, it could easily take the rest with it. Unfortunately, this is what happened here."

The man in charge, Fire Chief Dumbledore, was looking for witnesses when he was crushed by Flamingos near his home. Police are now looking for witnesses to the crushing of the witness finder.

Interview Object #1

2006-08-14T19:25:00.000+01:00

The Jack Russel fucking Terrier. Philip.

- So how do you keep that moustache trimmed?
woof.
- No way! That's brilliant. A solution to the middle-eastern conflict?
woof, a- woof -eti woof.
- glasses?
wofwoof
- very strong glasses?
a-woof
- lawn mowers?
woofwoofwoof
- ten thousand japanese hockey-players in bikinis?
a-woof.
- alright then! Sounds right and easy to me.

Screw you Foss, it's your turn. Hope you're in with some hot stuff!
Meanwhile, I'll go put another pair of shoes on.

Yes, yes. No. Yes, this just in.

2006-08-14T19:01:00.000+01:00

Yes, no, I was supposed to be talking to this stupid old lady about how she knitted a 1:1 scale model of St Paul's Cathedral, but thank crikeyshits we have some real news coming in, as we speak.

Yes, it appears that the new, as yet uncompleted Wembley Stadium has been evacuated due to an explosion of platypi. The duck-billed menace started appear late yesterday afternoon, and workers thought they could control the beasts with sticks and shovels. They were very much mistaken, and at 4 this morning, the Queen ordered a complete evacuation of the grounds.

No. Yes.

RAF 4th Squadron (Team Trumpet) have been called in to clear the wreckage after destroying the semi-constructed shithole.

Lya is on the scene:

Yes.

Today!

2006-08-14T13:48:00.000+01:00

I'm trying not to lower myself down to insult people with too much time on their hands!

With some sort of magical tiger-cup, three average-sized men managed to break in to Disneyland without paying for their entrance tickets.

Goofey ruthlessly slaughtered nine people before proceeding to breaking the necks of all three mentioned above. The Disney™ Company has announced publicly that they are going to punish him by using their most known method.

Torture.

In other news, if you swallow a harp lying sideways it might relieve, in other cases also cure, backpains, amnesia, ABBA and blindness. This break-through within homeopathy (natural medicine, for those of you that didn't know this) was discovered by Prof. Case, Prof. C. Ompletely Nut Case. And here is his speech from the Annual Homeopathical Conference and Disco Gathering in Munchen 2006:

"I have a dream"
"I have a dream that -ploink- I will once see -pling- this -polink- world -bling- -ploing- -ding!-"
"I give up".

After receiving his United Homeopaths Token of Appreciation from the jury, Prof. C. Ompletely Nut Case died of intestine-boogie-woogie, a not very well-known disease that seems to have been caused by the harps he has during all these years swallowed or inserted through a wide variety of body openings.
His reports claims this disease is not common among his test-groups.

Thank you! And now it's over to you Foss, you have brought a special guest today...

I won't have it!

2006-08-14T13:22:00.000+01:00

After seeing the architect's renditions of the proposed new studio, I'm going to have to protest. Seriously, that gay 70s thing? What the fuck is that? I refuse to wear flares and an afro wig to work and there's no way I'm growing sideburns purely for my job.

In other news, someone's made a bunch of old games out of lego. This person has waaaaay too much time on their hands. Having chosen to recreate old classics such as Duck Hunt from a bunch of children's building blocks, I expect this loser then went on to watch paint dry, observe grass growing, and colour in individual squares (redorangeyellowgreenbluepurpleoverandoverandover) on a mac. Fantastic!

Sugartits, it's over to you.

The architect sent us a mail

2006-08-13T20:37:00.000+01:00

with sketches of potential new studios.

The dodgy Studio 54 one:

The plainer one:

The one that makes you returgitate:

The designed one:

The chilled out one:

We told him to go back to the drawing board to screw his secretary.

But then again, we found this HUGE maggot in his ear once, Like, I mean, seriously, HUGE.

Pools

2006-08-13T20:13:00.000+01:00

Florida, Texas, California, Canberra and now Slipston Contey - the five most swimming pool infected states in the world. The impact on the environment has been devestating, but convservationists have come up with a new solution.

Using a new brand of water, made from horse urine, swimming pools can now be kept for 4 years without needing to be changed. Kramps McPeriod reports with the story which he's reporting on now.

Kramps: Yes, yes I'm here with a swimming pool, and it's about 4 years old. It hasn't been changed yet because it's using the new water. Back to the studio.

Oh fuck off, fat man.

...

2006-08-13T19:59:00.000+01:00

yes Foss, let's go on!

Thank you.

NEWS!
if your head is about the size of a hand, please remove your hand from your face so you wont crash into anything.

4 out of 10 people tell lies that are true! By this I mean they say things like "sometimes you piss me right off" then to continue with an oscar-worthy "nah, just jokin mate". DID YOU KNOW THAT?! DID YOU?!

Batteries can be insterted into electric appliances then to make them fucntion!

Bread makes you swell like a ballooooon.

Now to a short interview with our camera-man in charge, Rupert.
- Hi Rupert.
Hi...
- Thank you!

Now, Foss you go.

HOLYSHIT! VEGETABLES!

2006-08-13T19:55:00.000+01:00

*off to the side* Well if she doesn't like it that way round I'll just take the thing back and she can fuckin' do without.

*to camera* Hi! Umm, yeah, vegetables. There's a contest about them.

The peoples of Adnelb Creek gather once a year to push vegetables down the side of a mountain. When they reach the bottom, any surviving vegetables must wheelchair their way back to the top. The first one there is the winner! Simple.

But this year, there's a twist. Crocodiles. With guns. Fuckin' aye.

Lya?

The sun

2006-08-13T19:40:00.000+01:00

Todays headlines of The sun included a man named Mister Talibrum.

Mister Talibrum was last seen here.
And he looks like this:

We in the Foss n Lya Show, well except Foss, that means just me, want you to launch eight burning CD covers into your own bed while shouting "Cowabunga".

This is entirely for security reasons.
Now over to what's going on in Flirrr-k-swosh, the annual vegetable conest in Adnelb Creek west of Londonville.

Over to you Foss.

The sun

2006-08-13T19:32:00.000+01:00

After a 3 week study, scientists can now officially reveal that the sun doesn't actually have a hat.

Intensive research by Japanese boffins also reveals that it doesn't wear pants. More, after THIS.

I'm not a man

2006-08-13T00:15:00.000+01:00

I'm not a man! For your information I'm not a man. I'm not a man.
I'm not a man.

Well, the weather in norway is going to be cold, a big surprise.

Now, our favourite reporter Jimothy Sanders is now directly in from .. erhm.. hold on.. You're in SPAIN? Is there a fucking reason behind that?! alright, well, Jimothy Sanders is here, directly from Spain. So, what's up Jimothy?

I have a fly in my beard, earlier there was a man only wearing a bra playing a reggae-brit-pop beat on his ribs with a fork.

You don't say?

Well I'm not saying it right now, no, but that's because I'm not a completely retarded biatch like yourself.

Thank you Jimothy. And now a few words from our sponsors before Foss return with the Main News!

Reportsized

2006-08-12T23:57:00.000+01:00

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erhm, yes.

2006-08-12T23:44:00.000+01:00

Thank you for that brilliant report Foss.

And now over to something completely different, the dog, mans best friend.

Shocking reports reveal new statistics on dogs!

3 out of 5 dogs think their name is NO.
6 out of 10 dogs think you are a complete bastard.
1 out of 54 allergies caused by peanuts DO have a link between the plot's planners and the British Muslims alleged to have been preparing to carry out the attacks.

It also emerged yesterday that at least one dog have a turd about nine times after four minutes in six seconds, though this flatly occurs rarely on special occasions around mid-august.

THIS, on the other hand, is my hand. I hope you can see it clearly, because the next time you fall asleep it's gonna wake you with a HAPPYSLAP.

Thanks, Lya

2006-08-12T23:26:00.000+01:00

Shit off, you cocks.

Main story: Later.

Now, business news.

Lya: No you twat, we already did that.

Oh yeh. Umm... Ok, I'll do something else. Fine. FINE.

Dogs: Man's best friend, or MENACE TO SOCIETY? (onion) Jewish dogs have been organising a rally for their cause, and the peoples of peopleton don't like it. One mother claims "they took away my carriage, and left the horses on bricks". One Swedish luddite was so shocked by the protests that he threw his own shoes into a fire of mice.

The dogs, once calm, loving, faithful creatures trained to fetch their masters slippers and crap on next-door's lawn, have been growing more and more impatient with their owners' lack of respect for their faith. Uproar spreads like wildblaze through the very fabric of dogsociety, burning the clothes and houses and belongings and cars and houses of their once-keepers.

Dog-rabbi Marlon Grumpshed says "Oi vey, it's like those CUNTS just go to Christian church, and they don't give a spinning shitfuck about my removed foreskin. I can't stand that shit, so we're mounting a protest, right after I've mounted this old guy's leg".

The people, known as "people", aren't going to stand for it. "Fuck those fucking fucks" retorts Sheila Slapspunk, a reformed alcoholic and bingo queen of the 1950s. "We've been doing our Jesus stuff for months now, and if those dogs want to get above their station and start a beef wiv us, we'll break them!"

So far there have been no casualties.

Lya?

Sackspangle hospital.

2006-08-12T23:16:00.000+01:00

Thank you Foss.

Yes, I am now seated here at Sackspangle Hospital with Mrs. Woodshitsdangle.
How do you feel right now?
- I feel, I feel a bit stumped to be honest.
You're lying here bleeding all your fucking fluids out, and all you can say is that you're confused? Don't you think that is to tone it down a bit?
- Well, I honestly never knew I had all these fluids inside myself, now I'm seeing them floating out over major parts of the floor- wops, watch your shoes - you know, I don't feel like I'm going to miss them.
Not going to MISS them? Excuse me madam, but this is vital for your survival!
- I also have five kids and a husband without a job. I stopped believeing in a life before death before you were even born. Just let me die.

People are obviously NOT loosing spirit, we are in centre of a lot of focused hope here tonight, so back to you in the studio Foss, I hope this has informed our viewers in a way, or two.

Perhaps even three, but we don't want to exaggerate.

Generic news

2006-08-12T23:02:00.000+01:00

Lya, thank you Lya.

Our main story tonight: will happen later. But first, THIS.

Picture suburbanville, a quiet lonely town full of people. People that look like regular people. Everything's quiet here, not much going on, but WHAT IS THIS?! Discombobulated pedestrian, ambling about in a haze of bewilderment. The reason? Hornets.

A rogue hornet outbreak in the outskirts of inland Londonville, with stingers not of poison, but of confusion. Their aim? Citizen bepuzzlement. It's a grave grave situation, made enworsed by the police, too lazy to get off their lazy arses and do something about it.

Lya McFlompdoodle reports live from Sackspangle hospital.

Stock market report

2006-08-12T22:54:00.000+01:00

Recently there's been a large increase of stockings on the stock market. People have stopped waving papers and coffee-mugs around - shouting, and have instead started to peel off their stockings and tossing them about like frolic sheep.

We are happy to report that every single person within the London Stock Exchange at given time, 2:30 PM today, has now gone completely bonkers.

Stick on to your stockings by stocking them safely, if you please.

And stock staring at my cleavage you dirty bastard. Now over to YOU - Fossie-bums. Thankyou.

The Foss n Lya show

Advice

Haiku

Happy Grease-cow

Where?

I found this saved as a draft

Erroneous

Boffins to get striptease from Queen

Police chief explosion terror

Afflicted!

SIngle and dorbsh

Sportsweather

Pyjama shortage

Day four

Day three

Day Two

Day one

Ice-wagon!

Meet the Contestants!

Alternative power

Fashion

Jeremy don't take no shit from rabbits

Foss n Lya apologize while we are

No sushi please

Foss-Lotto

New soap

Inside story

False cheeses

Further adventures of Box Lad

Box lad

WANTED

INTERRUPTION!

Debat3r

Debater number two

Debater number one

Debate Corner

Vache!

Lya's Cooking Corner

Back to the show

Hotline

Do you get hungry in the mornings?

Devil Llama

ADVERTISEMENT

The Foss n' Lya Show Warns you

ROBOTS ARE FUCKING INVADING!!!

Here at the Foss n Lya show

Thanks

Interview Object #1

Yes, yes. No. Yes, this just in.

Today!

I won't have it!

The architect sent us a mail

Pools

...

HOLYSHIT! VEGETABLES!

The sun

The sun

I'm not a man

Reportsized

erhm, yes.

Thanks, Lya

Sackspangle hospital.

Generic news

Stock market report